The Remake Rant

It's old news by now but i'mù still complaining. I took the time to watch two remakes in the past weeks. First one: A Nightmare on Elm Street and I have to say it's one of the worst films EVER made. And believe me, I've seen some stinkers. A Nightmare on Elm Street should get a few awards though. The award for most irritating cast in movie history and a gold medal for destroying a classic. Damn, I can't help it, but it keeps reminding me of Amber Lynn, you know, the blonde "Adult Movie" Star of the eighties. Back in those days she was like the teenage boy sexual religion, the high priestes of porn. Then, she disaapeared, made a remake of herself and returned as this transformed mess trying to compete with modern day "stars". It's a wreck, and i'm sure there's an audience for it. Me? No thanks. I keep it real, both my ho's and my movies.

And who's the blame? I blame teenagers these days for this ever growing market for rehashes, celluloid rape and disfigurment. Dumbass kids who think the original Dawn of the Dead is a stupid movie, who have never heard of the original The Hills have Eyes and have no fucking clue about who Fred "The Hammer" Williamson is. It's the I-pod-I-Pad-I-Phone jerk off generation that's deciding for all of us. These pricks actually pay to see a piece of shit remake or the next horrible Fast and Furious shitfest! And it's not just that, these pricks don't even watch the damn movie...nope, they're texting their asshole friends, updating their facebooks with crap like 'yo, i'm at the movies watching this piece of shit film...lolz'. Oh it's so clear, a while ago, when Death Proof came out, they were not around...And it's a Tarantino film, you'd figure, these kids would love that stuff...nope. Boring! Same with Inglorious Basterds...I had one of these douchebags telling me how he hates that film, and yes, I should've punched him, but no I didn't. He told me 'But I bet you liked it, right?'. Damn right man, now go home and watch some Transformers and play with yourself.

I don't know...These pricks don't appreciate art. In a perfect world everyone would be after that obscure Fulci tape (yeah SCREW DVD and Bluray etc too!...) Maybe we should kidnap an entire highschool, start with one, and give em some lessons in culture. Keep em awake and force em to watch Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia followed by Once Upon a Time in the West, and throw some Evil Dead and early Scorcese films in the mix too. This for a week. Those who haven't learned by then are locked up for another week with nothing but Whoopie Goldberg films and dropped of naked in the bad part of town, just for the hell of it.

Oh yeah, I saw another remake...I Spit on Your Grave. All I could think of was "Why?"...Why do that? I'm not saying that the originla was a very pleasant movie or something, important it was. But you don't go around and re-paint a picasso right? "I could do this better...the kids will buy it". Ofcourse, because the kids are stupid. I don't think the film industry has ran out of ideas, it's just another market...it has nothing to do with the damn movie! It's exploitation for mentally challenged modern day, Jersey Shore, reality tv loving people, the kids. But at the same time, it messes with people who do love the original shit. I know...why give a fuck? We still have the originals, watch them again instead! It just pisses me off. Like this I Spit on Your Grave remake...c'mon...call that acting? Sure there were some creative killings and shit, but it was one hell of a lousy movie. That simple. Want something innovative? Check what the french have been doing for quite a while now...Irreversable, nasty piece of shit, but old formula and effective. Haute Tension...been there done that, nice little hommage but effective.

And if it wasn't ancient news, I type a thousand more words in shitty english about the Halloween remakes! John Carpenter should've punched Rob Zombie in the dick for that! Twice! Seriously...Sherri Moon as a ghost? It's clear who wears the pants at the Zombie residence.

Well...let me end this post with on a positive note. That Piranha 3D stuff gets two thumbs up. How about that? Ah, nobody cares.

I'm gonna smoke some cigarettes and watch Invasion USA, goodnight.